My Super Power is Panic

I'm going on a trip. It's been something I've been planning for a while, for years actually. So when I periodically break down in tears and go through every possible disaster scenario from forgetting to pack underwear to natural catastrophes, it's normal for people to wonder if I really wanted to go in the first place. And the truth is simple--I really don't want to go.

You an me both, Doctor. (X)

To sum it up, the following conversation occurred with my grandmother about five days ago.

Grandmother: "Haven't you been talking about this for years?"
Me: "Yes."
Grandmother: "Didn't you plan the trip?"
Me: "Yes."
Grandmother: "But you just said you didn't want to go."
Me: "I know. I don't."
Grandmother: ". . . I don't understand."
Me: "Neither do I."

The not-so-entirely-true part is that I do understand, I have Panic Disorder. I can dedicate another post to panic and anxiety disorders (or you can follow this link if you're curious) but I think it can be accurately described in a single gif.

Periodically, I do this for seemingly no reason. (X)

Then why, exactly, am I doing this to myself? Why put myself through Dean-Winchester-on-a-plane level of anxiety and panic? Mostly because, as much as I have just stated the opposite, I do want to go. The biggest problem for a person that has Panic Disorder is that they also have the travel bug or a love of foreign places. Also, if I didn't make myself go on these amazing trips, I might never leave the house.

I know that once I get there, even once I reach the airport, I'll turn into a very different person. Someone who loves travel and adventure, and who is capable of making her own dreams come true. It's just the anticipation that's killing me.

If home was the TARDIS I'd never leave it (x)

In the mean time, I have left F4H in the capable hands of alliartist and she will do a post in my absence. If I can find a computer for long enough to write a post while I'm there, I shall. Wish me luck!