Proud to Be Fandom

Someone told me something today that, at first, really hurt my feelings. I was essentially told that I shouldn't talk about my "fantasy games" (aka Pokemon) with anyone else except "kids."

Previously, I have discussed that I understand that some people find things that I like to be weird or even ugly, and I get that the things I like are not for everyone. Not liking something because of it's artistic style, content, or storyline is something that I can understand, but let's take a moment to appreciate that I was being told that certain conversations, such as my "fantasy games" (I don't think I'll get over that phrasing), were not fit topics for adult discussion. I may always be young at heart, but I do take offense to the implication that my interests are not up to snuff on what others consider "mature."

Because you cannot hear my tone through this keyboard, I will tell you that I quickly progressed from hurt to mad in less than thirty seconds. In fact, I'm currently seething. It wasn't just a reflection on a game choice, it was a reflection on my hobbies, interests, and life outside of a work context. Although I am sure that the comment wasn't meant to be taken as a slight toward what I consider my identity, the fact remains that I do consider life in fandom a huge part of who I am.

Let's consider, for a moment, that what I had been talking about was a sports team instead of something fandom related. Would I have gotten an eye roll? Maybe just a general look to convey lack of interest? Most certainly not the suggestion that what I liked was somehow inappropriate or embarrassing to the general adult population. Because sports fans are allowed to be rabidly energetic, and it's somehow socially acceptable for them to wear body paint to a stadium but not acceptable for me to cosplay at a convention.

This is in no way a rally against sports fans--they're a part of their own intricate fandom without calling it such. Even though I am not a fan of a particular sport or team, I still enjoy being around sports fans. They are enthusiastic and unashamed about what they love, and I want other fans to have the same courtesy of not being considered socially impaired for being a part of a fandom that they enjoy.

Maybe you're a fan of something, something I'm not a fan of, but that's O.K. In fact, that's great. You know why? Because if you're a fan of something, of anything, I can respect your passion as fellow fan. We don't have to be on the same ship to know that other fans are our lifeboats. 

Once again, I will post this quote from John Green, sage master of words and pizza: 

"Nerds like us are allowed to be unironically enthusiastic about stuff. Nerds are allowed to love stuff, like, jump-up-and-down-in-your-chair-can't-control-yourself love it." - John Green

My Super Power is Panic

I'm going on a trip. It's been something I've been planning for a while, for years actually. So when I periodically break down in tears and go through every possible disaster scenario from forgetting to pack underwear to natural catastrophes, it's normal for people to wonder if I really wanted to go in the first place. And the truth is simple--I really don't want to go.

You an me both, Doctor. (X)

To sum it up, the following conversation occurred with my grandmother about five days ago.

Grandmother: "Haven't you been talking about this for years?"
Me: "Yes."
Grandmother: "Didn't you plan the trip?"
Me: "Yes."
Grandmother: "But you just said you didn't want to go."
Me: "I know. I don't."
Grandmother: ". . . I don't understand."
Me: "Neither do I."

The not-so-entirely-true part is that I do understand, I have Panic Disorder. I can dedicate another post to panic and anxiety disorders (or you can follow this link if you're curious) but I think it can be accurately described in a single gif.

Periodically, I do this for seemingly no reason. (X)

Then why, exactly, am I doing this to myself? Why put myself through Dean-Winchester-on-a-plane level of anxiety and panic? Mostly because, as much as I have just stated the opposite, I do want to go. The biggest problem for a person that has Panic Disorder is that they also have the travel bug or a love of foreign places. Also, if I didn't make myself go on these amazing trips, I might never leave the house.

I know that once I get there, even once I reach the airport, I'll turn into a very different person. Someone who loves travel and adventure, and who is capable of making her own dreams come true. It's just the anticipation that's killing me.

If home was the TARDIS I'd never leave it (x)

In the mean time, I have left F4H in the capable hands of alliartist and she will do a post in my absence. If I can find a computer for long enough to write a post while I'm there, I shall. Wish me luck!

The Anime Way

I had the unusual experience of being introduced to anime as a regular part of my early childhood. I watched movies like Unico and Totoro until I knew them by heart, and though I didn't know the difference between Japanese anime and "regular" cartoons, I sought out the specific artistic style of anime and the underlying philosophical tones that were often absent from western cartoons.

What many people did not understand about anime was that it was the overt philosophical ideas that kept me interested. Sure, Bugs Bunny was funny, but Totoro was about being a family and respecting the environment. Kiki's Delivery Service taught me to be innovative and to work with whatever skills I have. Princess Mononoke pushed the limits of my imagination and made me think about how to reconcile spirituality and nature with the push of technology and the expansion of urbanization.

But the story that has stayed with me the most is that of Chihiro in the movie Spirited Away.

Chihiro reminded me of myself. Gif from rebloggy.com

A ten year old girl moving to a new town suddenly finds herself in the Otherworld, filled with spirits and ghosts. It's akin to the old European stories about fairies and the sidhe. Chihiro loses her parents, her name, and her world in one afternoon. She was dropped into the precarious situation of trying to survive and get home, and being brave enough to save her parents, too.

I can't say that I have ever been put in such dire circumstances, but I knew (as I am sure everyone knows) the fear and uncertainty of a new situation. Even though Chihiro starts out as a bit whiny, she more than rises to the trials set before her. And the best part was that the story allowed for scenes where Chihiro could show how afraid she was, before pulling herself together and continuing with the job at hand.

Jobs are sorta hard without hands. Image from pagesource.com

From an early age, I could I identify with the characters in Miyazaki's films by artistic style and storyline. Chihiro is the best example, because I feel an affinity toward her, but his other films also give strong role models that are not often seen in western equivalent. The philosophical connotations of Spirited Away are in no way over looked by a child, as adults tend to think. And I think that's the reason I loved anime so much, because the writers and artists showed me something more than vapid slapstick comedy.

I still get a few funny looks when I turn on my favorite anime on Saturday night. I guess others just aren't as sophisticated.

That's Wierd

I knew I would love Adventure Time because the first episode had me leaning on the kitchen table, mouth agape, and chuckling to myself. This is a normal occurrence in my house and everyone else is used to a sudden, maniacal cackle erupting from a different room as they go about their business. They have become accustomed to me watching "weird" things that they think make little to no sense.

I floop the pig! (It makes sense, I swear.) source.

Being in a fandom or a geek means you get to go do things that others in the "normal world" find odd or outright strange. Dressing up for cosplay, shrieking at the television when your favorite character dies (again), and fawning over movie posters are just some of the things that get me sideways looks. One of my favorite quotes comes from one of the best geeks of them all--John Green. (He's also a really good writer, but he's mostly a geek.)

Image source

I remember the first time I saw Tim Burton's The Nightmare Before Christmas. It was one of those movies that changed my life because it was beautiful in it's strangeness, and I am still surprised to this day that others find it too weird or even ugly. I mean, I guess I understand that people find the artistic style of the film ugly, but to me that's what makes it the MOST beautiful.

I'm confused when people don't find this gorgeous.

Everyone should have that one thing others find a little strange, and I hope you lovingly embrace the weird part of yourself and shrug off the naysayers. They don't get it, and that's their loss.

Friendship means NO

I vividly remember reading the first chapter of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. It wasn't like anything else I had read before and I spent the next year reading, and then re-reading the first three books. (This was before Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire was released.) I was one of those kids that didn't really like reading, but now it's hard for me to remember a time before words and worlds other than my own. J. K. Rowling was key player in changing my childhood self from finding reading tedious and a chore, to making books a second home.

There is a lot that I remember and would love to talk about from the Sorcerer's Stone--and subsequently the entire series--but I want to focus on a very specific character, Neville Longbottom. Long before finding out Neville's almost-destiny with Voldermort, Neville reminded me very much of a boy that I had gone to school with in third grade, named John. Both John and Neville were a bit clumsy, had unfortunate last names, and were made fun of. I didn't know John very well or for very long, his family moved away and I never saw him again, but I think I was primed to like Neville not only because of Rowling's masterful writing but because I had identified him with the recollection of my old school mate.

There are a lot of great moments in Sorcerer's Stone, and it would be easier to say the "whole book" instead of picking just one favorite scene. But, if pressed, I always chose when Neville stays up to stop Harry, Ron, and Hermione from leaving the Gryffindor dormitory. The poor boy ends up petrified on the common room floor for the rest of the night, but he did the one thing that many of us cannot do: He stuck up to the coolest kids in school for what he believed was right, all on his own.

Look at wittle Matt!

I was so thrilled to see that Dumbledore saw the courage in Neville and used his actions for the last winning points of the House Cup. I remember reading those lines and grinning like an idiot.

"It takes a great deal of courage to stand up to your enemies, but a great deal more to stand up to your friends," --Albus Dumbledore, film adaptation

I was strongly reminded of our friend Neville in the most recent episode of Supernatural (9.22 Stairway to Heaven). Being the episode before a supposedly fan-spasming season finale, there was very little that didn't happen, but my favorite part was this:

Misha is mesmerizing

Castiel is a character that has grown from a bumbling toddler with a machine gun to a semifunctional human being (also with a machine gun, but he's more careful now) in the course of the Supernatural series. It was a beautiful moment for me to see him finally stand up to his idol and best friend, Dean Winchester, with a blatant "NO."

*befuddlement*

 As we know from the season 9 arc, telling Dean 'no' at this point is just a tad bit dangerous. But that's what makes Castiel a great friend--that he's willing to set his friend straight when he's wrong. It's not easy to see our heroes make mistakes, and they often need a friend willing to tell them the reality of a situation. As Dumbledore said, it's even harder to be the one that stands up to our own friends, and we must take courage from the best examples. After all, Neville turned out to be quiet the hero in his own right. :)

Fighting Voldermort in a cardigan. Level: BAMF

*Neville gif from glooriavictis.tumblr.com/
Cas and Dean gifs from http://callsigntheslayer.tumblr.com/
Neville image from aintitcool.com

Alone with my Secrets

I thought I'd start with two of the largest fandoms out there, the two shinning stars of English TV, BBC's Sherlock and Doctor Who.

Both shows have a high level of attention from Steven Moffat, co-creator of Sherlock and Doctor Who's lead writer after Russell T. Davies, whom many fans love to hate.

I find it supremely satisfying when I find parallels between the two shows about breaking down misconceptions--specifically about secrets and isolation.

Images from Fanpop, edited by moi.

Sherlock Holmes is the quintessential Autistic man. Though he would tell you he's a sociopath (antisocial personality disorder in the states), it doesn't rule out his often extreme behavior that is associated with Autism and/or Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. But we could quibble all day about diagnosis,  I'd like to focus on a more common misconception of many people that experience suffering (i.e. the universal hardship of living). This misconception is the idea that isolation is some how protective, that being alone is safer than having connections.

"Alone is what I have. Alone protects me." 

I know that I have felt that way at times--that alone is better than trying to explain the painful process of what I am going through. But then there's John; and he says the thing we all need to hear at times-- "No. Friends protect people."

The second part of this we find on Doctor Who, with the 11th incarnation of the amazing Time Lord and his traveling companion in time and space, Clara. The Doctor has a long history, and not every companion ends up delving into his shrouded past and the doctor would have us believe that there is a good reason for this.

Images from screencapped.net, edited by moi.

Clara Oswin Oswald is one of those rare companions that, for the most part, does what the Doctor tells her. (Honestly, who does what they're doctor tells them? Really?) And when she stumbles upon one of the Doctor's most well kept, closely held secrets, he insists she forget that information. Even in the midst of being fried by the TARDiS, he desperately holds onto Clara, straining, "Secrets protect us. Secrets make us safe." To which Clara replies, gesturing to their impending demise, "We're NOT safe!"

I find the combination of these two scenes from Sherlock and Doctor Who to be beautiful, telling us two important things. The secrets that we lock away from the world, and ourselves, or when we lock ourselves away from connections with others, we think we are protecting ourselves and loved ones. But we are not.

It's not easy, it might even be emotionally painful, but those feelings and secrets only heal when we share them with others. I hope you have the courage to share your thoughts with someone. Maybe you won't bring that important secret up yet, but share something of yourself and find that others are happy to know you a little better.